Facebook Status

74 Funny Facebook Statuses

Remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.
We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go.
If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
Insert coin to view my status message.
a day late and a dollar short.
never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
I decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
My computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I'm color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
I slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
I want to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
I'm very proud of myself, just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years!
People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles....
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
Loading ████████████ 99%
Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
Forcing my dog to learn how to Google.
Trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
A guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
I want to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
Oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
If you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
Just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.
Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
Sat here wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome!
Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
I’m not a racer….But i can fly.
What has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
Sometimes, late at night, I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever...
Best friends listen to what you dont say.
Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
Cut here —————–✄———————
've yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
If only my life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the courts.
Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.

Funny "Things To Do" Facebook Statuses Updates

Johnny...

is going to buy a parrot and then teach it to say, "Help! I've been turned into a parrot!"
is going to change his name to Simon and then go around speaking in third person.
is driving around town, following runners, and blasting "Eye Of The Tiger" for encouragement!
put some vanilla pudding in to a mayonnaise jar and is eating it in public
is handing out lemons to people on a street corner and wearing a shirt that says "Life"
is going to major in philosophy and then go around and ask "WHY do you want fries with that?"
just ran into a store screaming "What year is this?" and when the cashier replied with the year, I ran out screaming, "It Worked! It Worked!!!"
is changing my last name to Acula, and going to become a doctor...
just hired two private investigators to follow each other
is standing in a crowded elevator saying, "I guess you are probably wondering why I've gathered you all here today..."

Funny Facebook Statuses....

A good day starts with a positive attitude and a great cup of coffee
Try this for a day; Instead of saying, "I hate", say "I dislike".
A smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
Today is going to be most difficult and challenging. Today I will face my fears and stand up for what I believe is right. Today my noble and selfless acts will be accused of cruel and greedy intentions.
No matter what the outcome, I will be stronger, my family will be closer, and I will finally have the closure that I have been seeking for so many years.
Every passing moment is another chance to turn it around
Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers, but to be fearless in facing them. Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but for the heart to conquer it.
All noble things are as difficult as they are rare.
A hero is born among a hundred, a wise man is found among a thousand, but an accomplished one might not be found even among a hundred thousand men
All men's souls are immortal, but the souls of the righteous are immortal and divine.
Forgive those who hurt you even if whatever they did is unforgiveable. You will forgive them not because they deserve it, but because you don't want to suffer every time you remember what they did to you.
Looks can fade as quickly as the clouds pass through the sky. It's the moments that touch your heart and heal your soul that last forever, along with the people who bring them to you.
Sometimes things happen in life that are not part of the plan. When that happens, don't give up on your dreams, just find another way to reach them.
If you can't get someone out of your head then maybe they're supposed to be there
I was not part of the problem, but will be part of the solution.
Look outside of yourself and you will appreciate others accomplishments, failures, hardships and journeys
Go away, bad mood. I didn't invite you into my world today.
If crying doesn't make the sad things better, then why do we do it?
So many gods, so many creeds, So many paths that wind and wind, while just the art of being kind is all the sad world needs.
One of the great regrets in my life is that I suffered so many assholes so gladly for so many years, all for the sake of a paycheck.
If you're so caught up in avoiding lightning, you may not ever enjoy a single thunderstorm

Don't overreact and don't give advice too quickly.....

Don't overreact and don't give advice too quickly. This only trains people not to be open with you.

34 Cute Facebook Statuses....

I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
“Username or Password incorrect.” TELL ME WHICH ONE YOU SON OF A BITCH
One out of four people is a chinese. If your father, your mother and your brother are not Chinese, it must be you.
My mother in law walks five miles every day, I wonder where she is at this moment
Never waste a moment, it may be the last with someone you love.
Success lies not in the result but in the effort. “BEING” the Best is not at all important,”DOING” the Best is all that matters.
Always appreciate the time you get, because you never know how much longer it`ll last.
Be your self and not what others want you to be.
You know why people say that you can’t Sleep when you are in Love, because for the 1st Time in your life you will find something more beautiful than your dreams.
Hey you, looking at my status. Hi!٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
Trust is a small word with a big concept.
When God opened the window of the Heaven He asked me: What is your wish for today? I said : Please take special care of the person reading this.
Why do we always ignore those that adore us, adore those that ignore us. Love those that hurt us and hurt those that love us??
Your smile looks adorable on you. You should wear it more often.
If you want to leave a lasting impression then treat people the same way you would like to be treated.
Love me for a second, and I will make that second last a lifetime.
Do not think about the past. Accept the Present. Think for the Future, and face tomorrow with a sweet and beautiful smile.
No one can change a person. But someone can be a reason for a person to change.
Being a family means you are a part of something very wonderful. It means you will love & be loved for the rest of your life.
I want you to know something, but I don’t want to tell you, so I’ll just let the first three words of this sentence explain it.
Those who Hate, find it hard to Love: Those who Love find it hard to Hate.
The moment when you are sure you can’t lose what you own, is exactly the moment when you start losing it.
Work hard to get what you like, otherwise you’ll be forced to like what you get.
I need many things to help me live, but I need only you, to make life worth living.
Love happens whether you want it to or not. Don’t try to control it.
When I think of you, I don’t think of tomorrow.
Why does life keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?
God could not be everywhere therefore he made mothers.
Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.
When everything seems to be unfair, when all that you do is not appreciated, I’ll take your hand, wipe away your tears, take you for a walk and remind you how special you are. If not for them, for me.
You can close your eyes to the things you do not want to see, but you cannot close your heart to the things you do not want to feel.
We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
When you feel alone, just look at the spaces between you fingers, and remember that’s where my fingers fit perfectly.
Relationships do not need promises, terms, and conditions. It just needs two wonderful people one who can trust and one who can understand.

Love Facebook Statuses...

Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.
If you want to read about love and marriage you’ve got to buy two separate books.
The four most important words in any marriage…”I’ll do the dishes.”
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Think of love as a card game: first, get rid of the jokers, throw away the hearts, keep the diamonds… then try to get a king
There is a place you can touch a woman that will drive her crazy. Her heart
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty
The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, “What… does a woman want?
You can’t put a price tag on love, but you can on all its accessories
We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.
You don’t always have to try so hard. A thankful heart is so much more attractive than a thirsty heart.
When you feel alone, just look at the spaces between you fingers, and remember that’s where my fingers fit perfectly.
Relationships do not need promises, terms, and conditions. It just needs two wonderful people one who can trust and one who can understand.
An open mind leaves a chance for someone to drop a worthwhile thought in it.
Never cry for the person who hurts you, Just smile & say THANKS for giving me a chance to find someone better than you.
Ability is what you’re capable of doing, motivation determines what you do, and attitude determines how well you do it.
Waiting for someone you love is never easy. Especially when the one you’re waiting for isn’t aware that you’re waiting…
Accept that you have lost, but never accept that you have failed.
Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired
If I tell you, I love you, can I keep you forever
Just refreshed her facebook page and there are still no wall messages
The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman’s heart.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Or do I have to walk past you again?
Love is a fire: But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell
A real man doesn’t love a million girls, he loves one girl in a million ways ♥
Is missing home…_̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡….sweet home…:(
If you had a chance to be someone else for a day.. Type in who and why.

Don't overreact and don't give advice too quickly.....

Don't overreact and don't give advice too quickly. This only trains people not to be open with you.